Insomnia isn't fun. The bad part is I don't know if it is the pain that causes the insomnia or the insomnia that causes the pain. I spend most nights tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable only to give up and sit in the livingroom couch watching late night reruns or surfing the net. It starts with a twinge in my back that I can't get quite comfortable with. Then it turns in to burning lightning bolts of pain. Then i start feeling like I can't breath from the tightness and cramping of my muscles. So usually, I give up. I cut my losses and pray for the elusive fantasy of sleep. Sleep you taunt me. You tease me. You promise me rest but only leave me raggid. Sleep is a cold hard bitch.
I am one of the supposed 1% of the population that has "Fibromyalgia". In short this means chronic pain in my joints as well as tender "knots" in my muscles. I get migraines, chest pains, jaw pains, back pains, hip pains, ear pains, hair pains... yes my hair even hurts. Tonight is a bad, real bad. I laid in bed for 3 hours tossing and turning even when taking a low dose sleeping pill. I even broke the rules and took a nucynta pain pill. Still hurting. Feeling depressed and tired. The clock is constant reminder that the night is slipping away, 3 hours till i have to be up and getting the kids to school, me to the gym and then the doctor.
I am not sure if it is the lack of sleep or the anxiety of the pain, but I decided to scrap the blog I was writing. Call me insane, crazy, delusional, or some combination of the afore mentioned terms, but i figured it was a great thing to do on sleepless nights. I can crawl out of bed so my husband can sleep, sit on the sofa in the front room, and blog. Blog about my advancements on my "bucket list", or about my ongoing success with weight watchers, or perhaps about my family activities. I figure I may be able to blog about my inability to sleep. How I tossed and turned, fought with the pillows to be comfortable, prayed for sleep and even contemplated on the cartoonish idea of hitting my head with a mallet. I could write about the new recipes I tried cooking, about the funny things that happened during the day, maybe about the sounds of a quiet house when everyone is sleeping except for me and the dog. What ever I write will be a reminder of the battle i fought only to lose another night.
So on to the bucket list. Yes, I made a list on dayzeroproject.com... have I made any success? Not really. It seemed as though many of the things listed were just "things". Aside from watching a sunrise and sunset on the same day and teaching my daughter to sew, they were just things to put on the list. Does the idea of watching movies inspire me? Does the idea of writing a random letter to a stranger for them to find make me feel alive? (I guess you could say I am doing that now.) I guess you know the answer to those questions. What inspires me? What makes me want to live? What would make me say "wow, i really did that!" and want to share with friends and family what i have accomplished. God forbid I develop cancer, will the list I made be things that will matter to me in the end?
I think that is all we really want to do in the end. Do something. Something that matters. Maybe not to someone else, but something that gives you fulfillment. I am guessing this is just about the nicest thought I am gonna end on.
Until my next insomniatic bout, I wish you all restful sleep.... the insomniac.
